Chapter VI : Witness of Both Love and Dishonesty
I’m about to turn 25 soon, I still can’t put up my mind the
first time I came to Shire when I was 23, and at 24 I got my wage raised and
reunited with Diana who apparently had been deceiving me, although 25 is still
a ‘golden age’ as people said but I’ve been deceived for months and I don’t
even know if Bernhard is my son or not, I have no rights onto him at all and he
probably won’t remember me since Henry (Diana’s ex husband) has won the child
custody of Bernhard and Malhee is coming to Shire next month to get him, and I
have received a letter from the Elhams that Batta is coming home after at least
year or two in the boarding school.
When I arrived, Batta was there running to me and hugged me,
she kissed my lips and hugged me again, that was awkward for me since she is so
much younger, “do you miss me?” still wrapping her arms around me and I pushed
her a little bit, “of course!” I was about to softly scold her about kissing random
people on the lips but I’m afraid if that’s going to ruins this whole thing,
she walks away with a weird posture, like a fully grown woman and it disturbs
me so much knowing the last time I saw her when she was just a 12 year old kid
and now she is 14 but she acts like a whole brand new woman after quitting the
boarding school, from the letter, she punched her classmate for bullying her
and challenged her teacher who is pretty young.
During the dinner, Batta told us about everything, literally
everything including how she got her period and thank goodness I was drinking a
white wine not the red one, Johanne stopped drinking the red wine and smiled as
if she felt comfortable with everything, “I heard you have a secret baby, Slav”
Batta trying to brings up a new topic, “not quietly true, Ernslav was deceived
and I expect none of you share about it again” Johanne said assertively, “she
is so much older isn’t she? If she ever hurt you again, I’ll beat her” Batta
smiled and tried to hold my hand but I put my hands down as if I’m fixing the
table cloth. “Stay the night, Slav, you are having your weekend here, aren’t
you?” Mrs. Elham softly asked me, “of course” I told her, “or you could sleep
in my room” Batta whispered while Mrs. Elham looked away.
The whole new thing about Batta was really disturbing, I
locked my room that night and hoping that she wouldn’t screw around, I wonder
what had happened to her during her times in the boarding school, it was a
religious school afterall but she had fights and became a rebel instead. The
next morning, Malhee is seeking for a shelter here while she’ll be on her way
to pick up Bernhard in Essex which is where I lived in my basement apartment,
and Malhee has trusted me already so she asked to go to Essex with me at the end
of the weekend since I would go back there eventually. While Malhee was being
introduced to Batta, Batta smiled a little bit and held my hands as if we’re a
couple, “Batta, this is Malhee (as I tried to push her away) she is Diana’s
daughter” I explained to her, “oh, you’re Slav’s step daughter” Batta said and
it offended Malhee, “I am not. My mother Diana is not marrying Ernslav as I
knew that.. things weren’t going so well between you two (she pointed at me
about Diana)” Malhee explains wisely enough, “oh, you mean your mother deceived
Ernslav into take caring her bastard son?” Batta’s words surprised me “Batta!
Watch your words” I shouted at her and she ran away, “I’m so sorry Malhee,
she’s the one whom I told you about” I explained, “yeah, the used-to-be kid? I
guess she is no longer a kid, I heard about her, she was famous among the
student in the boarding school, my neighbour’s kid attended there and yeah
heard her name” Malhee said, “what happened?” I asked, “only the things I
heard, she was sexually abused by one of the seniors and the girls around were
bullying her too after she got her.. period and bled on the class chair, so she
started to defend her self after her reports to the teachers were turned down,
she hated there, I can understand”, “wait a min, sexually abused? That is a
serious thing, why would they turned it down??” I was shocked, “the guy who
abused her is a judge’s only son and he was about to graduate, money does
everything and” Malhee stopped explaining when Johanne comes from behind me,
“oh Malhee!” they hugged each other and they continue to walk away, while I am
still here puzzled about how traumatized Batta is, I walked around the house
and found her in her bedroom, “oh hey Slav!” she greeted me, “what happened?” I
asked while still standing by her door, “what what happened?”, “I heard about
what happened to you, there.. in the boarding school, I’m so sorry”, “How do
you know?!”, “somebody” then I sat right next to her on the bed, “whatever
happened, it’s nothing, nothing is going to change that, we’re just small
people and.. I’m glad I’m out of that horrible place, I’m glad you know” Batta
explained, “you should tell this to your grandparents” I suggested, “no, that
would be a disgrace to them, you cannot let this spread everywhere, no guy
would ever want to marry me!” she shouted and runs away.
“There’s no proof, I don’t know how it works, look Slav? At
least you tried” Malhee said about my suggestion on reporting the boarding
school, “what are you guys talking about? Can I join?” Batta came with two
glasses of wine, “I.. I’m not sure you’re allowed to drink those” Malhee said,
“nobody rules me here, not even the school, Ah!” Batta laughed and sits next to
Malhee and me, “I’ll have to get my clothes ready, we’re leaving tonight, take
your time” I told to Malhee.
While I’m in the guest room, I looked down through the
windows and saw Malhee holding Batta’s hand while she cried, it seemed that
Batta feels more comfortable to tell about what happened to her with females
and I’m glad even though I feel like the justice is so not right. I look
through the drawers and see some letters, they’re Seanee’s and somehow I feel
like a bastard, a jerk to her all these times but there’s no way she’d accept
me anyway, besides, she’s probably with some new and richer guy in London now,
who am I anyway.
Almost night, I came downstairs with my single suitcase and I
saw Malhee is laughing with Batta at the kitchen, no one was around and when I
got closer, I saw Malhee kissed Batta right on the lips, I don’t know if it’s
common but as far as I know it isn’t. I stood still and they continued to kiss
each other slowly but it seemed that they’re drunk, I didn’t want to make
things go wrong or awkward so I started to walk away and they caught me, “Slav!”
Batta shouted, “Slav, I’m sorry to keep you waiting, I.. I don’t feel so good
tonight maybe I’ll catch up to Essex tomorrow, or tomorrow (while she blinked
at Batta and Batta herself smiled at her)” Malhee explained, I could understand
what was going on and I wouldn’t disturb as long as they’re happy and Malhee is
not taking any advantages of traumatized Batta, “you’re sure about this?” I
assured her and she nodded. After I arrived at my basement apartment, I
collected my minds together and couldn’t believe what I had seen few days ago
at the Elhams’, I really hope both Malhee and Batta know what they’re doing and
Batta can get a better hold of herself.
A week later, I heard a knock at my office’s door and it was
Malhee, I greeted her in and we hugged each other, “I wondered if you want to
see Bernhard.. I mean he kinda still remember you.. now” Malhee offered while
Diana with Bernhard on her arms walked inside behind her, “Bernhard..” I walked
onto him and hugged him, he wrapped his hands around my neck and it warmed me,
I would always love him no matter what, I cried somehow and kissed him, stroked
his light blond hair which looks exactly like mine and that makes me so sure
that he is my son. In Romania, people with very light blond hairs are pretty
rare and I have descended from norwegians so maybe Diana was right, maybe she
slept with all of her clients but the only one with lightest blond hair is me
and the only one who resembles Bernhard is me, he is my son.
While watching them ride away, Diana approached me and tried
to hold my hand, she smiled at me and when she was about to speak a word, I
walked away through the crowds and made myself lost to her sights, I could
never forgive her.
Today is another weekend and time had passed so fastly, I received
a letter from the Elhams few days earlier about visiting them but I can’t, I
have to attend the students’ ball event to represent myself as one of the
teachers from Gaille St. Hoddart college, only the available ones though since
the others were away for the weekend with each of their families. All I have is
a single tuxedo that looks a bit smaller in me since I might have gained some
weight, but my face still looks the same, still gaunted and at least handsome
some people said haha, I shaved and brushed my teeth, sprayed myself with old
perfume and done. On my way to the ball, I saw a woman with such beautiful
dress and I heard her laugh seems so familiar, I approached just to take a look
a little bit and there she was, Seanee still looking gorgeous as usual, and as
always, I looked at her for few minutes until she caught me, “Ernslav?” she
approached me, I nodded and smiled still feeling ashamed of what I had done to
her in the past, “you look great, you’ve gained few pounds, yeah?” she asked
with so much excitement that I couldn’t understand, then a man coughed
signaling that he was there nearby her, “oh, Slav introduce my..” “fiancee, I’m
Colin McFarher” he cutted her words and offered me a handshake, I handshaked
him and he looked at me in cold eyes, “yeah uhm.. Colin, maybe you should go
inside first” Seanee suggested, and such suggestion wondered me since he is her
fiancee, he must’ve felt jealous a bit about her meeting her ex who is me,
Colin smiled and walked away after attempted to kiss her but she looked at me
and he ended up kissing her cheek instead.
“How are you doing? Have you been married?” she asked with
her curious eyes and a bit of a fake smile, “uh what? Married? Haha no no” I
laughed, and not so surprised by her question, “oh you haven’t?” she awkwardly
smiled and looked down, “Colin.. he..” “how’s Diana? I’ve always been so
curious about what she looks like, and your son.. Bernard right?” she tried to
smile, “Diana.. we aren’t together anymore, I mean we weren’t really a couple
before, we just did some ..” “teamwork?” she cutted my words again, “yeah!
Teamwork, as parents to Bernhard, we are supposed to take care of him together”
I explained, “did you live together?”, “no! Bernhard was mostly with her, I
mean he lived with her and I only visit sometimes” I answered with feeling a
bit tensed, “hey (she laughed) don’t get too stiff, we’re just friends now,
okay? No need to hide anything like whatever you did with her I don’t care, I
mean .. I just miss you a lot and I haven’t heard much about you, I just heard
that you brought a child to your class claiming that he’s your nephew, right?
Haha but I’ll be quiet” she smiled and held my hands, we both walked onto the
ballroom like a couple and I’m afraid if her fiancee saw us, he’d misunderstood
everything, “Colin, tell me about him” I said, “we met on London as you
expected (giggled) and he was an apprentice to the court, like a colleague to
my father but just .. younger, lower and more handsome I guess (laughed), we
engaged few weeks ago” “you told him about me” I cutted her words, “yeah (she
looked at me) I told him we were close friends, you were my favorite teacher
from another college (giggled nervously) but besides that.. that’s all I guess”
“and what are you doing in this ball?, you’re not a student anymore” I smiled,
“you don’t know? Almost everyone in this area are invited, well.. I kinda
wasn’t but most of the alumnus are coming so why can’t I?” she laughed and
pulled me to dance.
After the ball, I can see Colin was staring at me coldly and
trying to show his affectioness with Seanee while sometimes she stared at me,
she told me that she’s living at Moundayne Hotel for few days and she would
like to have lunch with me sometimes, I told her that it shouldn’t be possible
since she is having a fiancee, but she only smiled.
The next day, I’m having cold feet and too lazy to move,
although I’m starving but then there’s a knock on my door and it’s Seanee’s
voice, “wait a minute!” I shouted and got all dressed up, I’ll have to fulfill
my words yesterday about going out to lunch with her. But then she got in and
closed the door, “Seanee, I’m dressing up, can you at least wait outside?!” I
shouted while still behind a dressing curtain, I quickly got my shirt and
trousers on and opened the curtain, then I saw her fully naked staring at me
near the sofa, “Seanee!” I scolded her and got a blanket to cover her up, “I’m
not having any of argument right now, I don’t want to waste my energy on Colin”
she shouted, “ssshh calm down, everybody can hear you outside”, “let them be”
then she approached and kissed my lips, “no Seanee, do you not understand? YOU
HAVE A FIANCEE, I cannot ruin that” I told her while pushing her away, “you
don’t think I’m enough for you” she said and walked to sit on the sofa and took
her clothes, “no no no, that’s not what I meant, you have a fiancee, Seanee
please what changed you? You weren’t like this”, “I still love you but I know
the things between us wouldn’t work out, now I’m getting married and I don’t
wanna miss a chance to be with you, physically at least, it was an arranged
marriage, my father heard about the scandal between you and Diana, he had eyes
and ears here and.. he wouldn’t want me to come back just to be with you, so he
arranged me with Colin.., and yes I lied to him but I don’t want to lie to
myself too, please Slav, do you even still love me?” she cried, “look, before
we do this, I need you to know that after we broke up last year, Diana and I..
we weren’t a couple but we did stuff.. to please ourselves, besides teamwork on
take caring Bernhard together out of wedlock” I explained, “all the time?” she
asked, “mostly..”, “wha..what?” she looked disappointed, “I thought.. you
quit.. uhm I thought there was nothing..” she started to cry and wear her
clothes on then ran away. I felt like a total asshole and jerk and many more, I
regretted everything but there’s definitely nothing that I can do but to
prevent it and I can’t ruin her marriage even though she seems unhappy about
it.
“so? Marriage is a serious thing and you wouldn’t want to miss
that with someone you loved!” Francois shouted at me after I told him about
Seanee, “you’re joking right? She is getting married” “oh also don’t forget the
fact that she left right after I told her about the thing between me and Diana”
I said, but then somebody opened the door and it was Seanee, “I need a word”
she said coldly, “Sean..” “don’t talk” she said, coldly again, “if only I knew
this sooner, I would definitely bother to come here, you’re a piece of shit,
whatever happened last night was.. a mistake, do not ever mention this to
anybody and told Francois to shut his mouth! Don’t you dare ruin my marriage. I
love Colin as he loves me and we’re going to have children together, we’re
going to raise them and I’m.. I’m..” she started to cry and I hugged her
forcefully although she didn’t want to, “I love you Seanee, I never meant the
thing between me and Diana to ever happened again, after hearing you said that
you wanted to see someone else, I was.. torn, it was never your fault” I
whispered to her and continue hugging her but she pushed me and sobbing while
running away, I couldn’t hold my tears and ran to the bathroom, but instead I
accidentally ran into the women’s bathroom and the girls were screaming, I
quickly ran out and just trying to forget whatever happened.
“I can’t let myself seeing you like this again, Slav” Johanne
said while I seemed to have empty minds most of the times and sitting alone on
the Elhams’ backyard, “no more psychologist, no more psychiatrist. No more
bullshits Johanne! Leave me alone” I shouted at her and she walked away, then
few seconds later Batta came with a letter on her hand, I didn’t even want to
know what that was so I stood and walked away avoiding her, “Slav! An
invitation!” she shouted while I ran away to my old cottage.
“I knew I’d find you here” Batta startled me while I was
trying to focus on what to paint besides the lake on the canvas, “it’s nice
seeing you to touch the art again, or the thought of art around your head at
least” Batta said, “there’s always an art in every breath you take, there’s
always an art in my head, nobody can never take it away” I said quietly,
“Malhee is coming in two months, I can’t wait to see her again, she seems to be
the only person who understands the stuff that happened to me before, you too
Slav, not that I meant to discredit you” Batta touched my hand, “I’m sorry”,
“what are you sorry for?” I asked without even looking at her, “I saw the
invitation, and I remember the name of Seanee? I mean Grandma told me about it
when I was in the boarding school, she told me everything and no matter what
the circumstances are, seeing your ex’s WEDDING invitation is harder than a
death announcement”, “Cut the shit, Batta. What do you know about
relationship?” I stood and walked away to the lake, “you’re a dumbass to think
that I’m inexperienced, maybe I’m younger but I understand everything, you’re
the one who should cut the shit out of your head! Move on already!” she ran
away out of my sight and I should not be mourning on someone who doesn’t even
care about me anymore, it is time for me to get it all over with, 3 months were
enough.
I had enough savings to buy a house at least, a very small
house I found and it didn’t need more reparations, Sandy Claneson was the one
who offered me the house, she was the owner of it after her husband’s death,
she said it was her honeymoon house and it is time for her to move on and live
her life with her grandchildren at least. That morning, she gave me the key and
some documents involving the ownership of the house and I never felt so happy
before, it is basically a cottage with a small bedroom that only fits one bed,
a desk and a lamp, the dressers are under the bed, enough to save up the space
at least. Then the kitchen is in the same room with the living room or main
room, the bathroom is outside right on the porch but still attached to the
house, just the door is outside, but it’s a friendly neighbourhood and I hope
not to see creepers creeping around at night while I’m trying to get to the
bathroom, maybe I should build a wall that connects the bathroom’s door to the
main door. This house is enough for a single man, I don’t know what to do with
this house if I’m getting married, maybe enlarging it a little bit, I like
simple family and simple house, that is all that I want. The first night I’m in
this house is okay, calming and there were still children around the
neighbourhood which was totally okay to me, it feels much safer to hear actual
crowds outside but then somebody knocked on the door, ruined my first night!.
Photo Credit : Two Women - Edgar Degas
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