Morning rage, boring but seemingly rich in writings--pointless. One with such upsetting tone, short body, ugly face, deformed teeth--though tried to fix it but still deformed, the gum, such kiss ass, she laughs when even the unfunniest jokes arrived. Another one, arbitrarily, a person with such trait, so easy for her, then the other one, a foolish man, very foolish, I don't know if it's a pure stupidity or just too lazy to learn. I don't understand people.
Some breathing living beings tend to kick and demean whatever I initiate to do, I tried my best. Power tripping, carelessness, racism, prejudices. Morning rage again. Weaponized incompetence, dependent, childish.
I read and try to calm myself, ease the pain of being offended, because as a human, with such complex social hierarchy and varieties--I need to realize that I can't please everyone.
Tickling fingers and crackle sounds, soft skin hit on the backlighted buttons, like a good ASMR. Eyes get strained for giving such attention towards this very bright windows, ooohh what a lucky windows, everyone is so addicted to you but you give it back with long-term disease, sickening enough but not huge enough to be a warning. This windows is amazing enough to give pretty works, a clear imagery and instruction.
February 2026
I feel like a failure most of the time, it's hard for me to understand instruction--quick talks of certain important people make me feel nervous. When that feels of nervous is kicking in, I feel like a dumbass. No, I would not call it anxiety, this toxic side of me regards overused medically special terms like "anxiety" "depression" are unnecessary for me to use although I KNOW I HAVE THEM.
Now that I think about it, most people are unwell, especially when their workplace is killing them slowly. The financial state that they're in is also contributing a lot. I spoke with a psychologist once and she validated my feelings, then I begin to consume the meds from the psychiatrist--terrible. It may have calmed me down, but more like the situation has calmed me down, not the meds much I guess, then the meds made my heart works slower, making me not able to feel the usual sensation of being surprised, so instead I got electrocuted everytime I feel surprised, is it an original experience?.
Once the situation at work is getting better, my feelings and head are also getting better, so I really do think it depends with how our surrounding circumstances are affecting us. Another thing to figure out is autism and ADHD--whether I have them or not, and that takes a lot of money for me to actually get actual help, however it is not urgent, I still work normally and I still get a better job.
April 2026
Same people, same problems, repetitive, but repetitiveness produce expertise, and I still feel like I'm not expert enough, maybe adept. Am I going to fall into the same hell hole again? a hell circle whereas I would feel terrible and decided not to stay in the same place, being a jumper, running away. However, I always runaway in an appropriate setting and timing, not just in the middle of the year, I do it always properly, yet I seem to think of what people think of me in a bad way. I should better myself in not caring and not making other people's opinions of me matter more than myself, but their opinions could prove useful as a feedback... wow very interview ish answer, but that indeed is the truth although I hate feedbacks--meaning I am lacking something, meaning I'm no good at that, meaning this and that.
I am just tired of having to keep it together, I've been listening to people, people have been listening to me but lately.. not that much, it's more like I listen to people more. Please get your shit together and don't kill yourself, work is not your whole life, I always say that to myself, get over it, don't think about it... unless it's like an interview or micro teaching things like that that will determine your future.
Oh I hate meetings so much, somehow this Thursday, so much things happening, and during a full break time I need to get ready, steady, be tall, confident and always keep in charge of things.
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